Dear Aaron,

I am a 43-year-old man that just started living in ‘my truth’ and decided to stop dating women and finally start dating men. It’s rough! I’m a father of a 16-year-old boy and he’s a pretty smart kid and I don’t want him to know. How can I hide this from him?

Okay friend…I’m going to hold your hand when I say this: starting any chapter in your life predicated on secrets will lead to mounting insecurities. And who needs that? You just mentioned your son is pretty smart: that automatically lets me know that there’s a chance he could find out anyway. Why not prepare yourself for the possibility that he just may discover your new lifestyle? Sharing that part of your life is a choice you have to make, according to when you think your son can handle that news. However, going into it with the intention to “hide” something from him may result in distrust. Practicing discretion as you venture on the journey of your sexuality is important. You want the room to make mistakes that won’t effect all of the other people in your life. Living in your truth should be celebrated by you FIRST, then acknowledged by those you love when you’re ready – but don’t do yourself the disservice by “hiding” anything; that just says your ashamed of what you’re doing.

Good luck on your journey and make sure your new path includes you having safe and healthy sex practices like getting tested and taking PrEP!

Dear Aaron,

My partner is undetectable, but I’m still nervous about sex. How do I get over my fear of transmission?

Hey, Friend! The fact that your partner informed you that they are living with HIV lets you know they are a good person and that’s admirable. Your concern is valid, but the amazing news is that if you’re on PrEP and your partner is undetectable there is less than 5% chance you would ever contract HIV. But let’s give you a bit more reassurance: have you ever considered you and your partner getting tested together and sharing the results? That way, you both share a moment of transparency for your own peace of mind. See if they are into that idea, that way everything is on the table. And don’t forget, condoms are still a thing! Either way…, have that conversation!

Dear Aaron,

I was recently diagnosed with HIV and feel like no one will want to date me. How do I put myself back out there?

Ok…so, let me start with asking How are you doing…emotionally? That’s key, because before you start getting to know someone else, it’s important to identify where you are in this new space. How are you processing this new information? Are you comfortable with your regimen? Have you considered therapy? Next, schedule an appointment with your provider and asked to be tested for everything; this way, you know exactly where you stand before getting back out there. Most importantly, I need you to remember that this time is all about YOU. You just got some pretty heavy news, so making sure you have all the information you need to answer your own questions is important. If you meet someone you really like and get to the point where you feel you trust them enough to disclose your status, you want to be able to answer their questions with confidence. And I get it…in this tough time, you just don’t want to feel alone or like no one will love you. But the moment you can navigate this new space, you will see the world open up to you. What I want you to know more than anything else is that you are absolutely worthy of love and when you’re ready, it will find you!

Dear Aaron,

As a college athlete, I’ve had a few exams and physicals, but I’ve never been tested for HIV and my doctor hasn’t suggested testing to me yet. I‘m also thinking about getting on PrEP but I don’t want to be the one to start the conversation with my doctor. How can I get him to ask me about it?

Actually, this is pretty common (…and kinda crazy, if you ask me). However, let’s take this opportunity to put the ball in your court (like what I did there…lol). Schedule a visit with your doctor and when they ask what the visit is for, mention it’s for a sexual health consult and discussion of PrEP. That will automatically start the conversation before you arrive. When you arrive at your appointment, your doctor will already know why you’re there and all the awkwardness is gone. Once you tell your doctor you want to have a healthy sex life and you heard it starts with testing for everything and seeing what form of PrEP is right for you, they are going to know how serious you are about being ahead of the game.

I’m just really glad to see you wanting to take the initiative, which makes you the real MVP in my book. ( I’m smiling entirely too hard at my own puns…ugh…LOL!)

Dear Aaron,

I just found out my crush is HIV-positive. I really like them, but I don’t know much about dating someone with HIV. What should I consider?

First, consider them a human being. I know that sounds trivial, but when you break it all down, they’re a person who’s worthy of love, just like you. They happen to have a condition that they will live with for the rest of their lives, but they can, indeed, live a long healthy life…just like you. Secondly, I’ll encourage you to start to educate yourself on PrEP (Pre Exposure Prophalaxys) and U=U (Undetectable + Untransmitable); once you’re versed in all of those things, it should provide you with some comfort about the health aspect. But there’s one more thing I want you to consider: Stigma. Why do you have these reservations? Is there a narrative in your mind that’s not rooted in education but in societal pressure? If so, now is the time to start educating yourself on how far HIV treatments have come and how fortunate you are to live in the PrEP age, where you can love a person who’s living with HIV without the fear of transmission.

Now…go live, love and LEARN!

Dear Aaron,

I take PrEP, but I sometimes forget doses. How badly does that affect my protection?

Hey there! I get it, sometimes life happens, and the day just gets away from us. But it’s important to remember that for oral PrEP to work, you need to take it every day. Missing one dose every blue moon won’t halt the protection but it’s important to take it regularly. Quick question: Have you considered the injection option? There’s an injection you can take once every two months and it’s 97% effective in protecting you against HIV and you don’t have to worry about taking the pill every day. It’s a game changer! Try this: call your provider and schedule a consult about Apretude. 

Once you have that talk, consider if it’s right for you.  

Dear Aaron,

I’m HIV positive and just started dating someone who is HIV-negative. How do I bring up my status without scaring them away?

Hey Friend! I’m sure revealing this type of information fills you with anxiety. You really like this person, and you don’t want to keep this secret from them, but you also don’t want them to run away after you share your status with them. Start by asking them if they have ever dated someone who’s HIV positive; then ask if they are on PrEP. If their response is positive and objective, tell them your status. If their response is negative or explosive, now you know how they feel about the topic, and you can decide how you want to move forward with the relationship. Sharing your status is an important PERSONAL choice, but always remember these two words: SAFETY FIRST.

Good luck!

Dear Aaron,

I’m on PrEP, but my partner refuses to take it. How do I talk to them about protecting both of us?

Firstly, I’m so glad to hear you’re on PrEP! Now, we have to convince your partner that it’s the right thing to do for them. When I’m speaking to someone I’m dating about PrEP, I try to make it a safe and welcoming place to share their opinion. Try this: Build the conversation full of interesting, empowering facts about PrEP and how relieved it makes you feel knowing out of all of the things you have to worry about in life, contracting HIV isn’t one of them. Since you two are partners in love, it will be even better to be partners in healthy living. People usually feel more comfortable to see the opposite side of their own opinion when it’s presented in comfort and kindness.

I hope this helps!

Ask Aaron YOUR questions!

Have a sticky situation around HIV and your own situation? Send Aaron a message and he’ll respond privately. If you’d rather your question not be included in this column, just let us know. Email Ask Aaron at askAaron@rochestervictoryalliance.org.